Emote Mode

i've been sooooo overly emotional lately....i even cry when i watch those damn cheesy tagalog movies for crying out loud! i've been in touch with my friends abroad and i got a message on friendster from my sister...i dont know if those are factors that's making me emotional. (plus i've been watching Oprah episodes that are real tearjerkers).

i'm also starting to feel the pang of missing my parents and siblings again. come to think of it...i havent seen my family for a whole year now. just when i think im getting used to living alone, loneliness creeps in and finds this hole in my heart and it makes a home there. it then decides it wants to grow roots and stay for awhile...sigh.....that damn petition better get processed soon coz i dont know how much more loneliness i can take.

dont you think its funny or rather ironic that when you lose what you have that's when you start to feel it's importance? i know it's a cliche but it's true in my case. i used to say "i cant wait to see, feel and experience what it's like to live alone!". it was fun at first but then if your like me and you're used to having your family with you, the fun will only last for a couple of months...maybe longer but eventually the fun ceases and you start to miss what's really important.

i would pack up and leave right now if that's only possible. to make matters worse, the holidays are coming in again. this is the second time that i'm gonna spend christmas and new year's alone...well not really alone coz im gonna be at work but alone as in not being with my family.

it also doesnt help much that the guy in your life who should be the source of your strength and the one that looks after you) is not doing his job description that well. i'm not a high maintenance girl for chrissake.....i have reasonable expectations......now my question is - why is it so hard for this guy to do his part and take care of me???? i take care of him....shit im like a surrogate mother almost. it just disappoints me sometimes that i dont get anything in return for what i give. dont get me wrong...im not expecting for a payoff but what i know of a relationship is it should be give and take (not unless things have changed and i'm living in a different world). if he is trying his best to do his "give" part then he's best aint good enough...i say he should do better....there's ALWAYS room for improvement.

im emotional and i dont like it.....being emotional gets me down unlike no other.....but then again this might either be stress or PMS......or the chocolates that i ate that gave me sugar rush that's now turning into a sugar slump......

Shark Tale

I went to watch a Shark Tale over the weekend and what a good decision that was. It was so funny but also had a lesson behind it. I love Lenny the shark....he's like a flower rather than the shark and Robert De Niro is still great doing the voice of the "shark-father". It's a feel-good cartoon that reminds people to be content, be pleased and be thankful with what they have.......see our glass as half full instead of half empty.

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Even if we think we are nobody's, someone still thinks of us as being somebody. To these people we are not merely faces but human beings that have hurts, pains, joys, failures and triumphs.

Oprah - The Original Queen of Talk

i have been an addicted fan of Oprah way back from my highschool days. of course back then i wasnt and cant relate to her topics for discussion and couldnt see the light of her advices. But now or rather more recently, it seems as though i can understand clearly and definitely relate (esp. with topics involving men) wiht what her subject matter, thoughts and opinions are.

she's fun and hilarious when it comes to enjoying good things in life and giving people a chance to see there is hope no matter what. how i wish i was one of those people who got the free car LOL. but she's also smart, level-headed, humane, and has a good grasp of how lucky she is and i find it great that she shares what she have to people who are not so lucky as her.

i love her special episodes of make overs for individuals and houses, giving out dream weddings and free cars. I also love her christmas episodes not to mention when she shares her 10 most favorite things with her audience. Her Angel Network and Book Club are components that make me even more of an avid fan.

this might be cheesy and corny to peeps that may come across my blog but......Oprah...everytime i get to watch her show, touches me and changes me into a whole different but better person......small steps at a time. she's become a surrogate mother of some sort and i am definitely going to watch her live when i get to Chicago! (that'll be 6 years from now or whenever my petition get approved....PLAN B: marry an american to see Oprah live.....JOKE!)

Songs of a/ for the Confused Mind

"Not The Doctor"

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy nowI don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry forI don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

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"All I Really Want"

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriateI
don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man I am humbled by his humble nature What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate Someone else to catch this drift And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses Falling all around...all around Why are you so petrified of silence Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines Or when you think you're gonna die Or did you long for the next distraction And all I need know is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper And I have no concept of time other than it is flying If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man a place to find a common ground And all I really want is a wavelength All I really want is some comfort A way to get my hands untied And all I really want is some justice...

Open Letter to GraveYard Zombie

i was visiting em's blog and went to read the blogs of the people me and em know. then i came across a blog and i found out that the snake planted it's venom unto another victim yet again. jar was good in putting to words what i wanted to do to the person who backstab me and im thinking that we are dealing with the same snake. (i left her a message saying this). i feel bad that she had to be one of the backstabbers victim.

to jar....hayaan mo lang siya. i always believe that what comes around, goes around. makakarma rin siya. i think that person doesnt have a clue that people she backstabs already know what the hell it is she's up to. i dont even know her motive...... i bet you even consider that person as a friend at work......coz i did until i learned that she was talking shit behind my back.

the things that don't kill us only makes us stronger. this is what i always put into mind when someone hurts me. i soo wanted to confront this person but i realized i didn't want to jeopardize what i have for a person who's not worth it........ then again holla at me girl if you want to crush this common enemy.

Multiple Choice

This got me thinking when I read it....every situation ends up hurting you one way or the other but the question is this - which one hurts more?

:: letting go of a person u've just learned to love
:: reminiscing the good times u shared together
:: shielding ur heart to love somebody
:: trying to hide what u really feel
:: trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from ur eyes
:: loving a person too much
:: giving up someone u never thought of giving up
:: having the right love at the wrong time
:: taking the risk to fall in love again
:: hiding ur relationship from someone else
:: controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend
:: thinking of her every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that she never even thinks asingle thought of you...
:: letting go, because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper
:: holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out
:: falling inlove with someone you didnt mean to fall inlove with
:: finding the perfect guy/girl...with only one prob...he/she doesnt love you...
:: helping the one you love court your friend
:: seeing the one you love crying for someone else
:: the waiting also hurts like hell
:: having to hear "... I've met someone"
:: agreeing to his/her wish to 'just be friends'.
:: asking his/her freedom back bcoz 'he'd/she'd be happier with him/her'
:: asking u to 'forget that everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again.
:: hearing that u're treated as a big bro/kid sister (ouch!)
:: sharing her future plans for the guy/girl with you.
:: u stopped being friends bcoz her bf/gf asked him/her to.
:: being denied in front of people.:
:: telling u lies where he'd/she'd been when actually, he/she was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame' (whew!)
:: he/she told u he'd/she'd be leaving u to return to her ex (d one he/she left 4 u!)
:: breaking someone's heart
:: fighting for that one thing that would make you happy that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his/her commitment unless he/she fixed himself/herself...then, you are left hanging for the moment...then he/she says, time will tell... but you still decided to hope in him/her and trust him/her
:: PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...:
:: PRETENDING to be strong.... and RECOGNIZING your weakness
:: lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have...
:: being with someone you can't actually love...
:: pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love...
:: being in love...
:: letting go even if you really don't want to... having no right to say you are hurting, because it was your decision
:: seeing the person you love hurt because of you... and not being able to help that person...
:: having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he/she doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
:: having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable
:: admitting that you love someone despite her/his imperfections
:: finding out that the more you try to hate her/him, the more you end up loving her/him, perhaps even more than before...
:: realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
:: the thought that this girl/guy, used to really love you and you loved her/him as well but you didn't give enough and she/he gave up on you
:: Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY else....."
:: making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered....the commitment is no longer there...
:: the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.After you've been hurt......learn to forgive...learn to trust and love again

Drat and Double Drat

*sigh* em called me up last night and told me that she can't go clubbing with me. she had to finish her papers. i said that it was ok because school work IS more important than partying. i sure miss that girl alot and i was so looking forward to going out with her. then again, there are other days that we can go out and i am on vacation leave next week so i hope we can go out by then.

also, i'll be paying the cash i owe my mom which i used to pay my damn phone bill. after paying it off i thought my direct dialing access would come back automatically. i had to call the phone company up and tell them my direct dialing is not back yet. i called them for the nth time yesterday and was told that they are still fixing the problem and its not yet done. they told me i can try to use direct dial again and see if i can access it by today. im gonna try it out when i get home and they better have fixed it or else im gonna be one dissatisfied customer!

alicia keys is having her world tour tonight and she's stopping right here in the Philippines for a one-night concert....of course i cant go because of the aformentioned lack of cash. why is it that when i dont have moolah, the good artists arrive here for their world tour???? i missed out on Incubus and one other concert (that i already forgot...i swear my memory gap is getting worse).

it's been fun here at work though. im enjoying the shift im at coz dom and angelo always make wise ass jokes which get me laughin my ass off. they are some funny guys them "boy toys". LOL. plus people are livelier as the sun starts to rise and their shift is about to end (specially if its friday hehehehe) and after 6am the calls get fewer so everybody is kinda gettin lose and getting ready to go home. funny coz i never thought i'll make it past 6 months but im still here......i'll be here two years come june.....and i believe i am getting to know people who are real.....